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Sam Dobson Writes: To the bitch who keyed my car...

Thursday, June 28, 2012

To the bitch who keyed my car...

Those of you who are close to me remember about a year and a half ago that my car got keyed, twice. I caught an employee stealing at work and found my car keyed the very next day. Naturally, I assumed it was the employee or his crazy girlfriend. After a telephone confrontation with the employee, my car got keyed again, only furthering my assumption. Of course, all contact was cut off and the drama that surrounded the incident, and the employee himself, faded away. All was pretty much forgotten until recently when another fellow employee had confided in me that he had heard it was someone else who had actually keyed my car, a different former employee. Needing to channel my rage, I wrote this letter to her:

Dear Crazy Bitch,
I want to apologize for whatever it was that I did to upset you during the six months or so that we worked together. It must have been pretty awful for you to hold onto so much hate for so long. It was a year after you were fired that you saw me driving into the apartment complex that you had just moved into. I must have been just horrible to you, so much so that you were compelled to take your key and drag it across the body of my new car, not once, but twice. Was it you who also put dog shit on the passenger side door handle of my boyfriend's truck around the same time? Obviously that shit was intended for me.

I feel sorry for you because your life has so little meaning. I'm right, aren't I? Why else would you dislike a coworker (for reasons I am still unaware of) so much that you couldn't let go, even after a year? It annoys me that you choose to be nice to my face, while harboring such ill will on the inside. Perhaps you could have confronted me and this whole matter could have been avoided. What am I saying? Of course that would never happen. You would have to have some level of maturity for that to happen.

Quite frankly, I was shocked when I learned that you were the one who keyed my car. I was shocked because I had pretty much forgotten that you existed. We only worked together a few months and nothing significant had happened between us. It had been over a year since we worked together when you got the urge to key my car and over two and half years when I heard through the grapevine that it was you and that you still harboured this hatred for me deep within you. Sounds to me like your life is pretty empty and meaningless.

Of course, after the shock came the rage. My first instinct was to track you down, couldn't be that hard in this small town, and break every single window and light on your car. Pay back is supposed to be a bitch, right? After I calmed down I remembered that karma has already found you. Your life sucks and I don't need to slump to your level. Instead I want to convey my sympathy for you and your shitty life. I sincerely hope your attitude changes and that you decide to be a better person, because if you continue to sling shit and hate at other people, it will continue to come back and bite you in the ass. Karma will keep following you around, making sure that your life is shit. You'd be surprised at how much happier you'd be and how much better your life would be if you showed people kindness instead of hate. Although unsolicited, I thought you could really use this advice.

Forgivingly yours,



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