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Sam Dobson Writes: Staging a Bail

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Staging a Bail

I went out with Blake and a few guy friends the other night for Mexican food and beer. I've always enjoyed hanging out with guys, particularly because of the conversation. I think it's the anthropologist in me, studying a foreign culture. What they have to say is crude, and yet it's entertaining. We started discussing one of the guys sexcapades, specifically a romantic encounter in which he was not particularly proud of. He described waking up after a night of excessively heavy drinking and rolling over to find a homely woman in his bed.

Before I continue on with the story, I must declare that I am not supporting the piggish behavior the opposite sex frequently emulates. I am simply giving you a rare glimpse into the thoughts of a typical promiscuous man. Back to the story, our antagonist wakes up with a less than desirable woman in his bed. As he expressed the sickness he felt in the pit of his stomach, I listened intently and silently scolded myself for even showing interest (which may be construed as encouragement). Being completely inexperienced in the one-night-stand department, I interjected with "what did you do?" His response: "stage a bail".

Completely baffled yet curious, I asked him to elaborate. He explained that "staging a bail" is when you immediately make up some sort of excuse as to why you have to leave and subsequently so does your unwanted bed buddy. He even gave me a genius example, "I have to take my sick mom some soup". If the regretted sleeping partner is so naive that she takes you for your word, you now look like the sympathetic, caring guy who takes care of his momma. Bullshit, but brilliant!

I know all of the ladies reading this are gagging with disgust, but I urge you to be honest with yourselves. Without having to confess out loud, think of all those times you woke up in some guy's bed wishing you had just gone home when your best friend offered you a way out. Didn't you make up some sort of half-ass excuse as you pulled on your party clothes from the night before and slipped out the front door? That's what I thought! The few of you who somehow avoided the sloppy partying years with one-night-stands aren't missing anything.

Anyways, this whole "staging a bail" story got me thinking about being single and dating and how rough it really is. You never know if the hot guy at the other end of the bar is prince charming or just some asshole trying to get in your pants. That's why it's a good idea to politely refuse that last tequila shot. The more we drink, the more our inhibitions fade away. Don't get me wrong, a drink or two is a great way to take the edge off and liven up your personality, but getting plastered will lead you into some jerk's bed. You don't want to be his morning regret and your only morning regret should be too many calories in your vodka cranberry. Trust the anthropologist taking notes, it's not pretty being the subject of some guy's "staging a bail" story.

Don't shoot the messenger.

Sam
(the anthropologist)

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