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Sam Dobson Writes: Broken Hearts Don't Always Come From Boys

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Broken Hearts Don't Always Come From Boys

I got my heart broken today. Before any of you track down my boyfriend and beat him with a baseball bat, I have to tell you that he isn't the culprit. I haven't posted in a few days because my mind has been preoccupied and filled with a bit of anxiety. A miracle happened, I actually got an interview for a position as an editorial assistant at a publishing company.

Last Friday, I dressed myself in the outfit my best friend picked out for me and nervously went to my interview. I thought I did okay, although I wasn't going to get my hopes up. After the interview I was even more sure that this job would be perfect and I really wanted it, bad. Today, after sending a follow-up email, the woman I interviewed with phoned me to let me know they had gone with someone who had more experience. Of course, I politely and quietly thanked her for letting me know and waited until my lunch break to bawl my eyes out.

What I really wanted to ask her was "Why the fuck did you call me in for an interview and get my hopes up if you feel that I don't have enough experience?" My resume explains exactly how much experience I have, nothing I can say in an interview will change that. I was, I am, crushed. How the hell do these publishing companies expect me to get experience if no one will hire me?!? I can't even get an internship because I'm no longer a student and silly me, I wasn't able to juggle an internship back when I was working forty hours a week and going to school for twenty. It's very frustrating and it leaves me with a hopeless feeling.

I'm sure none of you want to listen to me bitch and I won't be offended if you quit reading here. I just can't help feeling like no one is ever going to give me a chance to prove myself. Before you rush to judgement and think I'm just being a big baby and simply need to try a bit harder, let me explain myself. I apply to about ten positions per week. I usually get rejection emails from most of those. In the past year and a half, I've gone on exactly three interviews. The first was for a part time position and I think the girls interviewing me just didn't like me. I wasn't too upset over that one. After going a year without a single interview, I landed one, with a little persistence on my part, at a local business journal. The position appeared to be more of an internship and the editor barely gave me the time of day. He looked up from my resume only once and didn't ask me a single question related to the position or my experience. He then proceeded to tell me that he wasn't even sure when they would have an opening, even though the other person in the so-called interview said they would fill the position in about a week or two. It was the most bizarre interview I've ever had and I left confused and irritated.

Then, there was this interview. The woman interviewing me was very nice and she asked normal interview questions. I didn't feel that I was being brushed off, but I did leave feeling like someone with more experience would get the job. Maybe it was because mid-interview she told me it was okay if I didn't have much experience, that everyone had to start somewhere, whether it be there or another company. She told me not to give up and I pretty much figured she was giving me a consolation speech. Still, I really wanted the job and a part of me felt like this was it, so I held out an inkling of hope.

Needless to say, my mind has been racing around faster than I can keep up with today. Should I give up and just accept my current life? Am I supposed to go back to school in the hopes that something will eventually come from it? Should I focus more on writing, if so, how am I to do it while working full time? Is there even any point to continue sending out resumes for publishing jobs? I'm lost, twenty-six years old and scared as hell that this is all there is for me. I want more and I feel like a failure for not being able to achieve even one simple step in the right direction. Among the negative chatter in my mind, there is one small yet powerful voice telling me to pick myself up off the floor and get on with it. Gwen Stefani is singing to me from my iPod, telling me that "nothing's gonna knock this girl down". I remind myself that I'm a fighter and that I won't give up so easily.

Today, I will let myself be sad. I will indulge in a glass of wine while I cry on Blake's shoulder. Sometimes you have to let it all out in order to move on. But tomorrow, I will leave the tears behind. I will get out of bed in the morning with restored confidence and I will continue to look forward. I have no other choice but to stay hopeful. Wish me luck.

Wounded yet resilient,
Sam

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